I read over the 'My Story' section of this blog a few days ago with some thought of continuing it. I know, of course, why I stopped writing about my transition to the Reformed faith at that particular point. To continue this story would demand that I tell things that I wish that I could forget about myself. And yet I do not wish to gloss over such details as if they never occurred.
Life and ministry are a messy business, and never more than when dealing with old hurts and deeply entrenched habits. Christian nonfiction books are filled with saccharin tales of remarkable conversions and triumphant victories, but I am convinced that the full stories are rarely told. The full stories would have to include wrenching testimonies of long and painful struggles with many relapses.
God is the Great Potter, and we are the clay upon His wheel. Sometimes His hand upon us feels as though it will crush us. We cry out in pain and anger to feel His fingers break down our carefully crafted defenses and self-righteous arrogance. Only in hindsight can we see that those hideous walls had to be brought down so that the new could take shape.
When I first began attending Calvary Orthodox Presbyterian Church, I would never have said that I was a cruel person. I did not think it was within my heart to be so. I would have said that I was wise and cautious and that I did not let myself be deceived. I would have said that I stood up for myself and didn't let anyone push me around anymore. I could not see that I had covered myself with a layer of paranoia that kept everyone around me at a distance. I expected everyone to judge me, and so I judged them first.
How does one break such old habits? How does someone so distrusting learn to be part of a church again?
In the next several blog posts, I will tell some of these stories. I am afraid that they are not 'pretty' stories, but they are real stories. My hope is that others who read them will be encouraged to persevere in their own sanctification and in ministry to others who are 'difficult.' For, as I often tell my fellow ex-Pentecostals now, if God can change me, surely He can change anyone.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
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1 comments:
I might understand where your coming from somewhat. In the past I attended "average" Southern Baptist Churches...with all the politics and power plays, the endless frustration in serving the Lord, leaders who do not care about you personally and use use only to feed their own ego. It's still hard to trust that there are church leaders that actually care about the people personally. There are two that have done nothing but be a friend to me, and they're Presbyterians, and sometimes I still wonder if they care or not. But my experience has caused me to be considerate and even seek out those Christians who are in a similar position. For years I felt like I was an outsider to church, even though I attended faithfully. I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm a part of it.
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